President Jokes

If Donald Trump was elected president... Instead of saying ""You're fired."" He'd say ""You're deported.""

President Bush is sitting in a Cabinet meeting... One of his intelligence officers enters and tells him, ""Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."" The President exclaims, ""Oh my God!"" and buries his head in his hands. The entire Cabinet is shocked. The President receives reports like this on a daily basis, and doesn't flinch. Just then, Bush looks up and says, ""How many is a Brazilian?!""

Stephen Hawing running for president Just kidding.....he can't run

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and go…

A woman was seated next to President Coolidge (aka ""silent Cal"") at a dinner party. ""I bet my friend that I would be able to get more than two words out of you tonight,"" she said. ""You lose,"" he replied.

I told one of my coworkers who happens to be Mexican that he better hope Trump doesn't become president... Or else he'll be hiding out in his attic like Anne Frank.

John McAfee's doing paper work to become president... Time for America to become bloated and slow...

The saddest joke you've ever heard. President Trump

Kanye West wants to be president... But no one man should have all that power.

President Bush's speech on the 10th Anniversary of Katrina Brownie did a heck of a job!

Why was President Banana of Zimbabwe elected? He had great appeal. - Courtesy of my dad.

The American Dream A teacher asks his students what there American Dream is. One kid says I want to be the president Another said I want a big happy family Then, the teacher asks the German exchange student if they had that sort of thing in his country and he replies; ""We had one but no one liked it.""

Ex-homeless man with ""golden voice"" announced he's running for president... Marking the first time Donald Trump has hated anything golden.

A Coded Message One day, a French spy received a coded message from an American spy, claiming it came directly from President Bush. It read: S370HSSV-0773H. The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his boss at the agency. His boss was stumped, too, so he sent it to the Russians for decoding. The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans. The Germans having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down.

The guys at Futurama really didn't do their research... Vice President Agnew was at lest a head taller than depicted!

A man was arrested i Kennedy airport today.... At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. ""Al-gebra i…

Who is a Minion's favorite politician? First ever president of Zimbabwe, President Banana

An Indian news anchor was fired for referring the chinese President Xi Jinping as ""Eleven"" Jinping.

So on the morning of 9/11 then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf rang up Bush Musharraf - ""Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that.. Bush - ""What buildings? What people?"" Musharraf - ""Oh, what time is it in America now?"" Bush - ""It's eight in the morning."" Musharraf - ""Oops... Will call back in an hour.""

Funny but old fake adopt an Enron Exec email from way back. Remember that whole Enron Scandal? I was looking through some old computer back up disks and found this. Probably wont be funny to younger kids but some old farts like me might get a chuckle: **Adopt an Enron Executive** Dear kind-hearted friends...Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. …

Topical Joes (5/13) Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started. First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad. (Chuckle in back. Burp) As a refresher, Taco Bell did announce it yesterday was going to make a new waffle taco. However, the Taco Bell CEO advises you eat the waffle taco for breakfast so y…

George Bush is being briefed about world news overnight... ...by his men, 'Mr President, there's been a plane crash in Australia, two Brazilian soldiers have been killed in action, a major bushfire....' George Bush interrupts and says, 'hang on, did you just say two Brazilian soldiers have been killed???!!!' To which the man replies, 'That's correct Mr President...' 'Oh my... that's absolutely terrible!' says Bush. The man, looking rather confused says, 'Sir, they've been far worse accidents tha…

A man is stuck in traffic... After waiting for 2 hours, he gets out of the car and tries to see why this gridlock. He finds one guy in a uniform and asks him about what's going on - Sir terrorists have kidnapped President Bush. They keep him hostage in his limousine. They want 1 million dollar, or they are going to burn him in the car. So we are volunteers trying to collect the donations people make. The guy takes his wallet out and asks ""so what is the average donation people give ?"" -Depends…

President Dubya was awakened one night... President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. ""Mr. President,"" said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, ""there's good news & bad news."" ""Oh, no,"" muttered the President, ""Well, let me have the bad news first."" ""The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."" ""Gosh, and the good news?"" ""The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil.""

Brazillian So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on. President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign. Rumsfeld begins by saying, ""Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."" Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office. Rumsfeld says, ""Sir, what's wrong?"" Bush replies under his heavy sobs, ""Exactly how many is a Brazillian?""