One-Liner Jokes

"Excuse me, do you validate parking?" I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?" Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."

They can only rescue about one miner per hour, while all the others wait? Who put the DMV in charge of this?

Don't trust anybody who owns a working printer.

Created by Jews, saves humanity. Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

[Inspecting car] *kicks tire* "Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick."

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she's too busy judging the hot chick.

When someone cries, "No one gets me" I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, "I got you"!

Deaf people have no idea why the rest of us think farts are funny.

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.

I hate my step ladder for not being my real ladder.

- Baby, I can't sleep. - And it was pissing you off that I could?

Aw look he's about to say his first words! "Say dada!" *baby opens mouth* Here it comes! *airhorn noise*

In Hidden Valley, childhood obesity is covered up in creamy ranch dressing.

Unless you're a toddler heading towards traffic I'm not running after you.

Damn shame some of ya'll will get on twitter to say Goodmorning before even brushing your teeth. #mustymouthtweet

i wanna get a huge pile of rocks for my driveway so i can park my car like a range rover dealership

"Tender and mild" is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.

I'm going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

I'm dreaming of getting rich like my father. Wow your dad must be a rich man. No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

Call me narrow-minded, but I'll never try bestiality. I'm just not interested in going down that rabbit hole.

Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.

I tweet because it's fun and I like the validation, but also because one day it'll prove to a jury how crazy I am.