One-Liner Jokes

Hot kraft singles in my pocket waiting to meet you.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

I'm behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I'll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

I don't know what I drank last night, but the vacuum is stuck on top of the house.

Why do all public restrooms feel haunted?

If you know how many calories are in your donut, you're not eating it right.

There's a special place in Hell for those women who say "Awwww" after everything they hear.

The leading cause of death in 1926 was being hit by a spinning newspaper graphic

If you read into something enough, it can be offensive. I like puppies

It'd be funny if everyone told their kids Steve Buscemi is the tooth fairy.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we're watching 'How to Train Your Dragon 2' Me: Friend: Me: to what? Friend:

Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you're not jogging fast enough

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat. Her son is 6 ....

If you open a door for me, I will lick you. Sometimes it's awkward.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Ten: Number of fingers children have. Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it's doubtful you'd advise me to be "on it".

I have only ever completed 2 successful high-fives.

You don't realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

You auto complete me.

If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word - "Yes Dear."

i read everything in comic sans sans. this way it's funny.

Don't you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss. Worst police interrogation ever.