a bum came up to me once and said "sticking your junk in the snow is what necrophilia feels like" ok#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I won't travel to certain regions of the world simply because of the spiders that reside there.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Friends don't let friends drive drunk but I don't want them staying at my house And that's why Uber was created#House And#Uber#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I'll never have to be anywhere on time again#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like "hey dad, why don't you remember our names"#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Why its called 'having your period' and not 'rolling out the red carpet ' I'll never know.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Just accidentally used "then" instead of "than" and now I know what it feels like to be imperfect! Weird!#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.#Twitter#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I've grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A poster with a mugshot saying "Have you seen this man" So I rang up and said No. You have to do your bit for society .#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don't know if that's 100 pounds or a billion.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
the best thing about being in a relationship is you can get crippling emotional abuse any time you want#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
At this point, I'm positive I've read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates. *crosses off bucket list*#Facebook#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp