One-Liner Jokes

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags? ME: Of course! BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

Calling a girl "honey" is ok. Calling a girl "bee vomit" is not ok. I'm a relationship expert.

Just Googled camel toe, and it said, did you mean Travolta Chin?

Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.

Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.

I already regret my choice of Julliard to win the NCAA.

In ten years we'll replace man on the evolutionary chart with all the different sized iPods.

2-year-old: Dad? Me: What? 2: Are chickens real? Me: 2: Me: No one knows.

LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER

Mechanic: what seems to be the problem? Me: nice try buddy, that's what I'm paying you for

"FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn

*releases swarm of killer wasps* - ATTACK! *wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions* - Hmm... time for plan bee

Surprised "too much" still isn't a serving size.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

I hate when people read over my shoulder while I'm texting. 2 car lengths please Mr. Policeman.

"I'm not a violent person but people can change", I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with 'Kevin E' written on the side.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I'M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

I wish I had firearms. Or maybe one firearm and one regular arm.

The 1670s called. Not sure how.

My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.