People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If a girl is standing and shouting through the sunroof of a limo, that limo has turned on its slut siren.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Facebook: Holy Crap, I know this person. Twitter: Good Lord, I know this person.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[quietly tries to open a can of beer] driving instructor: what was that#Driving#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter* Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.#Animals#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell#Religion#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Ruin a hipster's day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
People who say they'll be late for their own funeral* *trust me. you'll make it.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there's another reason I don't run.#White House#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.#Darth Vader#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.#Facebook#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.#Technology#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[radioshack meeting] employee: sir, overall sales are really low. CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp