One-Liner Jokes

Please don't advertise your "three-egg omelet." I want plausible deniability regarding how many eggs I am about to eat.

Does anyone else's belt turn into a Rubik's cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?

Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?

My foot wants to interact with your face.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

Autocorrect doesn't recognize my gangsta nature.

Real frogs call him Kermit The Fraud.

In case nobody has Facebook, it's cold outside.

I'd get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."

In hindsight, using the word "harder" as the safe word, was not the best idea.

Rabbits are either running or being a statue. You never see a rabbit strolling.

just found out the sun can give you cancer?? WTF? why haven't we made the sun illegal yet???

Facebook account for sale, friends included.

"Hey, my eyes are up here! LOL, just kidding, they're everywhere." - the government

*takes long drag from cigarette* *stares off into the distance* *slowly glances down at hand* *lights cigarette*

It really bothers me when the free Internet that I'm leeching off from the cafe across the street is kind of slow.

"Chocolate is so yummy it'd probably taste good on mothballs." - inventor of Whopper Candies.

Sorry for writing "I guess u moved on haha" under that ultrasound photo of your baby.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

You haven't seen a woman overreact until you've told a woman she's overreacting.

McDonald's should have an express drive thru lane just for people who need french fries.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped. 911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma'am? Me: No. Pizza.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

I always feel a little sad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants or lost his family in a fire.

My idea of a romantic dinner for two involves a surprising amount of papier-mache dinosaurs.