One-Liner Jokes

[First Date] Me: so can I see you again? Her: I had a nice time but I don't think so Me: *stops holding in stomach*

15: MOM, WHERE'S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?! Me: Name THREE songs & I'll help you look for it. 15: ...

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

This hammock is the most relaxing thing I've ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.

Any size pizza can be a personal pizza if you're depressed enough.

The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween.

Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much.

The only camper that is a Happy Camper is the one who drank enough alcohol to forget that he's CAMPING.

free shipping should be basic human rights.

If I'm suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it's only because I want what you're eating.

Some French words have silent t's, like "ballet" and "tbonjour"

Honesty is the best policy, but I also recommend a lot of life insurance.

Psychologist: Go to your happy place. Me: *grabs car keys* Psychologist: Where are you going? Me: The liquor store.

If it looks like a douchebag, and smells like a douchebag, then I must be walking by an Abercrombie & Fitch store.

Just saw a spider scurry across the floor. It's too bad; I really liked living here.

No thanks lady, I don't need a tray I'll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee's

my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we've never met

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

I'd hate to be Rock, and have to come home and explain to my kids how I got beat by Paper.

Young people don't relate to George Foreman. That's why, today, I'm introducing the Skrillex Grillex.

Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

"I love to collect big white basketball shoes!!!!" - someone with the opposite brain of me

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

As an ass assessor, I assess asses.

I feel bad for airport security workers. I'm going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.