One-Liner Jokes

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I'm praying they get laid

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Caught my co-worker MICROWAVING a HOT DOG with a SLICE of AMERICAN CHEESE on it. Don't worry I pushed him out a window.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

HER: I'm leaving you ME: But why? HER: There's just no chemistry between us anymore CHEMISTRY: Wow, I'm like right here

If I wake up early, it's only because there are a lot of things I want to eat that day.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie* This is amazing, what did you do different? "Well, I used fresh Barry's"

I get myself into less trouble when I've got a character limit.

I'm rubber, you're glue. I'm destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she's wasting a great opportunity

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

If you use the word "ridonkulous" or "ginormous," chances are you're a retardiot.

Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza

Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.

No son, you can't go out with your friends. Tonight we're installing Windows Updates, as a family.

Synonym is just another word for a word that means the same thing as another word.

*going through mail* "bills bills bills bills bills" "I think I'll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine."

You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.

Apparently, it's frowned upon to walk up to two police officers and ask "what are you douchebags up to?"