One-Liner Jokes

It's like Maury doesn't even care who the real father of my kitten is.

Facebook: losing friends. Twitter: gaining friends Instagram: gaining weight

Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children

[creation] GOD: You will each have a flaw BAT: I am blind SNAKE: I am deaf DOG: My breath is a little bad

-Come on, it's time to go -No -We are going to be late -I hate school -But Mum, you have to take me!

"I'd like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it'll go EVERYWHERE."

If movies have taught me anything, it's that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

It's not true love until you annoy me with a Facebook post professing it.

I would never give you a death sentence. It would be more like a paragraph.

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.

I'm always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.

dad, why does my cake say "we dont want a talking cake" "its a long story son"

Premiering 2017. They never saw him coming. Sean Penn is The Retard Pope

"Here's the problem... You've got a Pokemon up there" - me, as a proctologist

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Someone just used the phrase, 'that's a big load', on this conference call, and suddenly I'm paying attention.

Fun Fact: If you answer your phone, "Christ speaking", 70% of the callers will hang up on you. You're welcome.

Nobody likes you "100 Calorie Packs." Nobody.

I misspelled "marriage" and Auto Correct changed it to "mirage." What do you know that I don't, Auto Correct?

My online therapist says you can't live your life in fear....He also sells shampoo.

Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.

Him: So what do you do? Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like "MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"

Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets. Well, there goes the neighborhood.

Nothing says "poor money management" like a run down house with a 60 inch plasma screen in the living room.