One-Liner Jokes

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

I honestly don't know how much longer I can be expected to go on before I inherit a manor with a horrifying secret

Roses are red violets are take your clothes off

There's nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

Now a days saving your virginity for someone "special" is like holding a dump to wait for a special toilet

You can't prove that I'm not the center of the universe.

(Describing Guy Fieri to sketch artist): Literally a flaming hot cheeto

*gets taste of own medicine* Yep this is my medicine

Q: How many racists does it take to change a white bulb oops sorry can I start over

OUT OF ALL THE BIKES ON THIS BIKE RACK, THIS ONE'S SEAT DEFINITELY SMELLS THE WORST.

That's disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don't wipe boogers on Mommy's pillow! Wipe it on Daddy's

Just found out bears don't hug to be friendly, but because they want to eat you :(

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

"911 what's your em-" STAMPEDE "slow down sir" IN THE GORGE "sir I'm gonna need you t-" SIMBAS DOWN THERE

If you were playing a drinking game where you took a sip every time they said "Lebron," you'd die.

In blind taste tests, most consumers couldn't tell if a person was blind by tasting them.

Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.

It's too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet.

You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.

Look into a dog's eyes while it's pooping and you'll understand Nietzsche.

I imagine Jesus' first few attempts at walking on water to be little more than a frantic run and belly flop

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle? Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast ME: *shows up four hours later* INTERVIEWER: you're hired

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.