One-Liner Jokes

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

"Monday's suck" - Everyone. Apart from Ethiopian kids. For whom, every day sucks

Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.

I'm constantly pretending I know what people are talking about.

I'm seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

Just because I've lost my mind doesn't mean I'm looking for it.

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

adam sandler's wife is madam sandler

What I hated the most in Facebook? . . . . . . . See more

when nothing goes right... go left

I've never even come close to having someone at "Hello".

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

I just rinsed with mouthwash to cover up the m&ms on my breath. Being an adult is stupid.

Don't waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide..... no one ever brings them back.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

I took an instagram picture of a polaroid photo and my iPhone blew up.

Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home

Taking a picture of your meal before you eat is the new "saying grace."

I admit I once used the n-word when someone asked me to go to a Kenny Chesney concert. But that n-word was, "No."

What idiot called it a driver's test and not a Game of Cones?

People in public restrooms don't really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.

I just play poker so I can say I'm going all in without smirking.