One-Liner Jokes

I'm starting to think that Y2K thing was just nothing to worry about.

Green eggs and 9/11 #SadDrSeuss

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Does anyone ever spiral into control?

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, "Well, that's a sin, but at least it's original."

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you-- ME: Handcuff keys COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy's good

Amy Winehouse is getting Botox injections? Really? Isn't that a bit like spraying Febreze on a pile of dog crap?

I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

"Yes I understand that's your face, but it's also the place where I need to put my butthole." - Cats

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I've had similar successes.

I like my women like I like my joke formats: worn out from overuse.

*gazes into the abyss* *awkwardly looks away and pretends I wasn't looking when the abyss gazes back*

If you're new to Twitter from Facebook, you can just reply "Like" to all of my tweets. I'll understand

If I could have one superpower it would be knowing definitively if people like me or not

It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again. -Adobe Updater

*slips the attendant $20* "make sure you pick me out a good one" Sir this is a daycare... "uh huh *winks* a daycare"

You know you're single when the only calls you get at night are Nature's.

Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law. I know that now.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald's because fitness is a lifestyle

I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far.

Texting while driving: Bad. Wrestling a shark while driving: STILL LEGAL! WOOHOOO!!!