One-Liner Jokes

It's OK, batteries...no one includes me either.

Just found out that "3 Men and a Baby" isn't a movie about Jesus's birth.

I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it "Game of Thrones".

My IQ? With google or without?

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

what if you looked as good as your best selfie all the time wouldnt that be wonderful

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn't going to make me type any faster.

It's fine if you wanna shoot a buncha folks as long as you start with yourself. That's my only rule about it.

Does "fear of commitment" count towards a handicap parking space??

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don't know where I am.

I've got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

A website just logged me off due to inactivity. Hope my life never does that.

I "Liked" your comment on my status update because I'm too lazy to respond.

I'm not racist or anything but all Canadian Geese look alike.

occupation: the family disappointment

I hope that your text abbreviations become so short that you can soon send me nothing.

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

A gift card that only allows the user to purchase more gift cards until they finally go insane.

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

Steven Tyler is aging pretty gracefully for a claymation skeleton who fell into a pile of feathers.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Text "SAVEUTAH" to 90999 and get Gary Coleman shipped to the millions in Haiti presently living without Gary Coleman.

The cat licks itself and it's cute. I do it and I'm "no longer allowed in the library".

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle