One-Liner Jokes

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Dating me is like a walk in the park - Jurassic Park.

I think that's enough coffee. I can hear my cells dividing.

a spider dropped onto me this morning and I was just really excited that someone else was in bed with me

Hot waitress just gave me her digits! I have them in a cooler in my trunk.

Survivor 1: "Help! I can't swim! I'm drowning!" Survivor 2: "I have a buoy, friend."

"You are cute like a dog, Momma!" My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.

"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made terrible sandwiches.

*Getting murdered* omg I have the exact same knives

I once was lost, but now I'm drunk, was blind but now, I pee.

*storms out of office bathroom* *slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss's desk* I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

There is only one house song. It's 38,000 minutes long.

Is there an app that will make my iPhone go get my iPad which is way over there on the desk next to my iMac? iHopeso.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Just joined Anonymous Anonymous. This time I'm serious about breaking my addiction to hacking government websites.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

Nobody's abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

It's raining. I'm going to be late for work. I can't fit my hair in the car.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET'S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

Marc Anthony jeans at Kohl's come in three cuts - tuberculosis, heroin addict and skeletor.

Brain: no Heart: yes Foot: don't ask me I'm a foot

I know they took some creative liberties with 'Noah' but I really wasn't expecting that Prius.

All I'm saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying "We need to talk"

Monsters won't stop chasing me. I don't wanna play today dammit!