One-Liner Jokes

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming "I'M GONNA CRUMB" because I have something wrong with me

I always have too much month left at the end of my money.

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment "you are so brave" on all their selfies.

Vibrator factory workers probably check their phones every ten seconds.

I wish airplanes flapped their wings and shit on cars

99 times out of ten, I'm making shit up.

Self checkouts are great if you're in a hurry or don't want to pay for everything.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you? Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you're stupid?

Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?

'I've never done this on a first date before' I say as I start vacuuming his place

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

My friend was like "hey bring some cd's to listen to on the trip" and I was like "where are we going, 2001?"

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive.

I'm one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly

Umm, your honour? In my defence, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.

People have underestimated me my entire life, and they've been wrong on like two of those days.

You said you run for fun? You know we have the internet now?

I need to get my shit together. It's in little piles in my kitchen & then there's some more in my wife's closet.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.