One-Liner Jokes

Current life status - By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

Dear Monday. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my weekend. Prepare to die.

So many babies. So little ketchup.

[God creating bats] GOD: I wonder what a bird would look like if it was a demon?

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.

My biggest fear in life is dying from the .01% of germs that the hand sanitizer doesn't kill.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

what idiot named them diet pills instead of girth control

Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

You hang up "No, you hang up" You hang up first! - Bats going to bed

*approaches girl in bar* *passes right through her* *i've been dead for 73 years*

Money is the root of all larger amounts of money.

I give it two months before Trump tries putting his face on our money.

I'm just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

Lol how "take you out" could mean either we're going on a date or I'm gonna kill you.

As a grown adult man, good luck trying to scare me with anything besides a gun, or common household insects.

If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."

I used to work in mysterious ways. Now I just don't work.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield .... Thought I hit a unicorn

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they're like "I'm lactose intolerant."

"Check out Zach Galifinapkins over here!" - joke I have prepared if I ever see a bearded man holding a lot of napkins.

When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

Me: Can I leave early? Boss: Why? Me: Death Boss: Who died? Me: No one yet Boss: Me: Boss: Get out