One-Liner Jokes

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

How about a really bad food court where planes land? Pitch for every airport

IF U WANNA BE MY LOVER you gotta get me a large three topping pizza with stuffed crust

It's time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.

Of course I've slept in the wet spot My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

They played The Shins while I was in Whole Foods today and I leveled up in Caucasian.

My fake mustache fell off in Home Depot and now they won't let me touch any of the power tools.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, "Duck". His mother slaps him.

You're the unreachable booger of people.

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator] Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

Look, woman, I'll do laundry when I'm out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn't say whose clothes.

Never treat someone like a saturday night when they treat you like a monday morning.

I'm not going to sugar coat this - you have diabetes

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017 5. Debt 4. People you don't like 3. Facebook 2. Drama 1. The bodies

"No, YOU'VE had too much to drink!" ~Me, to this bar stool

[high school] Teacher: do u have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

United States: There's 5280 feet in one mile. Rest of the World: What even is that? United States: Lol, we made it up.

Who's the fax machine player in Skrillex?

At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive.

[awful tragedy happens] me (rolling up sleeves): time to be an idiot online

The world record for enjoying jazz is 48 seconds.