Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed. Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn't a teen mom. Because that child would not be OK today.

"And what do your parents do?" BABY COW: Well, my mom is basically a vending machine and my dad is hamburgers

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck? Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.