One-Liner Jokes

I used too much anti-aging cream and now I am a tiny baby.

You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."

*looking under hood of car* "Well there's your problem" *removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

Shout out to little yappy dogs. Literally everything you bark at could eat you.

just met a guy who's using an empty beef jerky bag as a wallet so don't worry you're probably doing just fine

Don't forget to make the strands of dead cells growing from ur skull look cute so u can attract a potential mate.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping."

women love to see the veins in a man's arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

I'm Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Not much of a "First Aid" kit if it doesn't have peanut butter in it.

Sometimes I like to mix things up by going big and then also going home.

I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse] Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

I have ADHD. Yup, high-definition TV in the years after the birth of Jesus.

Let's be honest: When life gives you lemons, most of you just cry to the internet about it.

First date: [ok, don't let her know you're a cop] Her: do you come here often? Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

I don't think that we should let kids listen to symphonies. There's too much Sax and Violins nowadays.

How to make a Disney Pixar film: 1. Take something that doesn't talk 2. Make it talk

Soon every possible joke will be written on twitter and we will be forced to face our feelings.

If you yawn when you're alone it's because there's a ghost in the room and he yawned first.

An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. Yep, she needs a walker

Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.

"She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts." -Romans 1:15

accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy