One-Liner Jokes

I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money

No, autocorrect, I'm not "pooping" popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don't plan to text about it.

Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

You're following a man who once stole someone's garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That's on you.

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog's poop.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

The only bad thing about most people is having to interact with them.

To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is...lucky guess.

I'm sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the same way you treat everyone all the time.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* "Listen if you wanted a "real guitarist" maybe you should put that in the ad!"

ME: bae, you wanna go out? HER: hell yeah ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.

MISSED CONNECTION: You were "a woman" & I am "lonely."

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day! DR DOG: You're joking, right?

Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says "buy me some time" and the guy goes and buys him a clock

Marijuana is not a gateway drug... I have never been smoking weed and thought, "I know what this needs! Meth!..."

I'm glad David married me for my brains. My glorius, perky, bouncy brains.

Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don't just want me to cut it off?

I hope we're past the point in naval technology where loose lips still have the potential to sink ships.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".

Sign at the hotel pool says "No horse play." Shit. What am I going to do with this production of Equus?

Beyonce didn't almost fall everyone else just messed up

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

I think we can all agree that "Phillybuster" would be a great name for a cheese steak restaurant in Washington DC