One-Liner Jokes

I was born to be wild, but only until around 9:30

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump... .

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

I don't know why I have to jog with you, you're the fat one. ~Dogs

If you don't want to play with me I'll just play with myself! - Overheard in 2nd grade today... Me too kid, me too.

If a bro works out but doesn't see himself in a mirror, does the bro really work out?

Hey, hip hop artists. Would it kill you to throw in a few rhymes about raisin toast or farmers' markets?

Parenting is all about wanting to say, "No one cares, honey" 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.

Dance like nobody's watching. Because nobody is. Who do you think you are, Baryshnikov? Get over yourself.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

I can't wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

The Golden Globes are like the Oscars produced by a former Soviet republic.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make: - a snake - worm - eel - dog, hot - 2 snakes

[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Him: Wow you're eating again? Me: Wow you're celibate again?

A child's purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Stop being so long ago, 1998.

My daughter is playing "you can't find me, Mommy"... I'm playing "I'm not trying, Suckaaaa".

I'm surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in six years.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they're talking about wine right?

When I was a kid 'friends with benefits' meant that kid had a nintendo.

ME: [screaming into the void] THE VOID: please untag me from this thread