Dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening, Tweet like the NSA doesn't exist.#Nsa#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
i'm reading this thesaurus. it's really interesting, or should i say... very interesting.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: I don't drink. Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
BLIND KIDS: Lady Gaga looks like what a chicken sounds like.#Lady Gaga#Animals#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
TSA: We'll treat all of you like the terrorists we accidentally let on our planes.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Enhanced interrogation idea: If waterboarding isn't working, try having my mother brush their hair.#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
2010: Didn't jog 2011: Didn't jog 2012: Didn't jog 2013: Didn't jog 2014: Haven't jogged ~ This is a running joke#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My car has a GPS, but when I get lost I still usually just end up busting out a globe#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was inventing single-ply toilet paper.#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.#Animals#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. #badpickupline#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I'm opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I don't use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
making cookies? be sure to save some of the dough so you can start gorging while they're baking#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp