One-Liner Jokes

I finished a sudoku today so I'm ready to do your taxes.

i didnt give that homeless guy money because his beard wasnt up to my standards. clean your act up homeless guy

I can still blame my unhealthy eating on "the holidays", right? President's Day is coming up.

"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You're Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments

Gotta be consistent about working under the influence so coworkers think you're naturally that weird

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

"So how did you two meet?" "Unfortunately."

Her: Is my new concealer working? Me: Who said that?

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

If you don't already know your Miranda rights from watching TV and movies, you're kind of an idiot.

Nothing soothes the soul like seeing a huge muscular guy walking with a tiny ice cream cone

Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is "I look fantastic in large hats."

Me: you're like heroin. Her: Why? Because you're addicted to me? Me: No, because you're ruining my life.

Isn't Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?

I lost my voice. If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

My Dads career advice was "Do what you love". So I'm trying to make a living jerking off and playing video games.

I'm reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

Searching for stuff on the internet when you're drunk is called Beer Googles.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you've got a good throwing arm.

How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face

When I pay for my groceries and the cashier hands me the receipt I like to smile and say "this will all be poop soon".

Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment.

i've decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I'm adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.

When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.