One-Liner Jokes

I'm a lot like Jesus because I like wine and I tell people what to do.

Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?

No matter how tired one is, put a computer in front of them and they can stay awake.

Life is full of people you can't have and people you don't want.

Pretty cool how money could literally solve all my problems.

[boys at work talking sports] Them: what's your favorite sport Me: yeah

For people who've been around such a long time, grandparents seem constantly amazed that children grow.

If I'm going to be this awake at 2:30 in the morning, I might as well go guard a factory or something.

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes "Kodak" with "Kodak."

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Now I'm REALLY glad Monica chose Chandler over Richard.

My plan to disappoint everyone I've ever known is exceeding my expectations.

I'll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.

Saying "to each his own" is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

You're right, homeless man on the subway...it is a "clip your toenails into your McDonald's cup" kind of morning.

Why DOES "February" have that extra R? It should just be "Februay."

Is it gay in here or is it just Glee?

Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.

*feeds a horse 1 pound of weed *rides off into sunset on my high horse

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can't help but slice everything as if I'm in an infomercial.

Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate

[while titanic is sinking] me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can't believe no one is eating these lol

Cat doesn't realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.