One-Liner Jokes

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't like things as much as I do.

Most long freeway drives are spent thinking, "Who the hell would live here?"

I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.

A good way to help you determine who to weed out of your life is probably by how someone pronounces "coyote".

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

I'm at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

If turkeys go extinct and we start eating giraffes for Thanksgiving, I got dibs on the neck.

She said she was turned on by men who took risks. So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.

Leading causes of cancer: 1. Smoking 2. Aging 3. Radiation 4. Diet 5. WebMD

EARTH: Let's just be friends MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

A crazed fan attacked Miley Cyrus at a recent concert. Damn, I would have LOVED to have seen the look on her gums.

Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

I like to think that T.J. Maxx is what happens when Office Max takes off his tie and slips on a pair of shades.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

"Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.

You look like something I'd draw with my left hand

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

Feeding some weed to the turkey so it will already be baked when we kill it... Will save sooo much time !

I'm always a big fan of the prison teardrop tattoo. It says I'm sensitive but I've killed people.

I keep all of my fishing equipment in one place. That's what sea shed.

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit Me: okay Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

Gf: why have you been googling 'can you milk a hamster' Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake shit.