One-Liner Jokes

You: "Whale you be my Valentuna?" Me: "Dolphinately."

I'm aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

The new sponge in the sink just brightened my day a little. Being an adult is stupid.

I'll bet you $46,368.86 you can't guess how much I owe my Bookie.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?

It's weird how women are always wearing clothes. What are they trying to hide?

I walk the walk. I talk the talk. But mostly I sit the sit.

[slips the bus driver 20] "Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?"

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

My ass is one of the great wonders of the world if you're wondering when it's getting off this couch.

what idiot named them horses and not zerocorns

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

If I could go back to my childhood with the knowledge I have today, I'd probably earn the nickname 'little pervert'.

My boyfriend thinks I'm not funny. Whatever, at least I'm a real person.

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

ME: Hi I'd like to apply for a job as a contortionist "When can you come in for an interview?" ME: I'm flexible

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Welcome to Religion, where everything's pretend and women don't matter

Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I'll be just fine.

I only learned Roman numerals so I can be damn sure which Rocky I'm about to watch.

When your toddlers are teenagers don't forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off

If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, shit probably stops being funny real quick.