One-Liner Jokes

I'm dying to get one of those babies that smoke. Too cute!

Due to an unforeseen error during last night's love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Rich guy does it: 50 Shades of Grey. Poor guy does it: Cops.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Checking my phone one more time before I go to sleep because apparently 533 times wasn't enough today.

I do laundry so infrequently that anything not filthy feels fancy. "Woah two clean socks? What is this, prom night!?"

I'm not saying it's hard for me to lose weight, I'm just saying if you interrupt me when I'm eating I'm starting over.

"I'M A DOG!" "I'M A DOG TOO!" "WE'RE DOGS!" - dogs

Are Facebook quizzes still around? Just now starting to wonder which Spice Girl I am.

Can America keep it down? Canada needs to work on Monday.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know... to send a message.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

I don't have a drinking problem, I'm very good at it

Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Do you guys ever bite your tongue by accident? Do you guys ever hit a homeless man then just keep driving?

That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.

"I can't log in." -grandmas

A good pick up line to use on a pregnant woman is "Got room for one more in there?"

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of all the Transformers.

"I'd hit that if I was drunk." - Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

"Will this ever feel less awkward?" - whoever is waking up beside Michael Cera right now

I think the easiest way to get a woman to sleep with you is to have her in bed with you when she's very tired.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men. Peter: *harpoons a guy* Jesus: Too literal, bro.