One-Liner Jokes

I'm the master at playing 'The floor is lava' *Lies on the couch*

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She's the cutest kitty I've ever seen! Cat: I just want to be friends.

What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

My insomnia has it's own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Wife just texted me drive slow - cop around the corner so I laughed and showed it to the cop.

Netflix and Chill makes me miss Blockbuster and dry hump

Can we have a moment of silence for all the great tweets that never make it out of the shower...

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children! Thank you, they came with the frame.

If more than one mouse is mice, then more than one Spouse is Spice.'

Can someone please check on Cleveland? I'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time.

Why not use a see-through, clear plastic hang glider just to freak everyone out?

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That'll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

I don't hate you because you're beautiful... You're not...

I just wish we knew how reality show contestants felt about haters.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn't 6 hours long.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars... I let them sit there and think about what they've done...

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night - $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

On a positive note, women with full hour glass figures don't have to wear watches.

Sometimes it just doesn't feel like putting the lotion on its skin.

It's cool we live in a time where we can just type "lol" or "haha" without actually having to laugh or have feelings.

If your jokes are corny I'm all ears.

This may sound racist but all black luggage looks the same.