Nothing says "I'm a shitty parent but at least I'm rich" like giving your 2 year old an iPad.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

"What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.

SON: I need lunch money. DAD: Get a job. SON: I'm in 5th grade- DAD: All I'm hearin' is excuses.