Moscow Jokes

Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son ""If we stand around here long enough one of them will throw some food at us.""

Why couldn't the man leave Moscow? He was Snowden.

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy. So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in. The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. …

Vladimir Putin Speech Vladimir Putin is giving a speech in Moscow. He is praising his government for bringing economic prosperity to the nation of Russia. "In my government every citizen has a television set and an automobile to drive!" He says to thunderous applause. Once the applause subsides, a hand goes up near where Putin is and he notices. He calls out to the man whose hand is raised and says, "What is it that you wish to say, citizen?" The man begins to speak to Putin and the crowd quie…

Old jokes about Russians ..from Soviet times... from Lithuania. Few Days after Jurij Gagarin went to space and was the first human who ever made it into space, in a small village a man is visiting his neighbour. "Jonai ! Did you read that ? The Russians now went into Space!" his neighbour got big eyes, happiness came over his face and he asked back: "Really ? All of them !? " -------- ------------------------------------------------------------------ Few years after occupation the Russi…

A Russian billionaire moved to London… A Russian billionaire moved to London, but after a week he felt terribly ill. So he went to the doctor. “Doctor, doctor,” he said, “I just moved here from Moscow, and I feel so terribly sick.” The doctor examined him and said, “I think I have just the cure. This is what you need to do: get a bucket, put a dead fish in it, piss in it, pour in a bottle of vodka and a glass of gasoline, then mix it all together with a stick. Cover it and let it sit for a few …

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C): *** C: Was this meat barking or meowing? V: It was asking stupid questions.

Vladimir Putin making a school visit... Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as …

Putin decides to invade Poland Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller. Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost. Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty. Putin: Rubles?!? Fortuneteller: No, PLN.

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia. The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather forecaster says that you have -35!" "Ah, it's probably outside", friend replies.

There once was a cow from Minsk The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry abou…

A young American couple are walking through Moscow... A young American couple are walking through Moscow on an unseasonably warm December night. They feel a slight precipitation. "I think its raining" says the man. "No, I'm quite sure thats snow."replies the woman. "How about we ask the guard?" The man suggests. "Oh, Officer Olph? He was quite snappy with us last night... but alright". "Excuse me, officer, is it raining or snowing?" the man asks. "Rain" the officer curtly replies, t…

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better. Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics. Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight. Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around. Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk y…

The genie and the russian A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a gla…

CIA Agent arrested in Russia A CIA agent is arrested in Moscow and charged with spying. The agent is fluent in Russian and has had years of specialised training on how to blend in with the Russian people. he's the perfect sleeper agent. Down in the darkest dungeons beneath Kremlin the Russian Secret Service (FSS) begin their interrogation. "We know you are American, spy Pig. Admit it!" "How can you say that? I speak Russian like a Muscovite, I am Russian." "You are lying, Spy Pig. We know you…

A Soviet and an American are talking The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."

A Russian Couple A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

Moscow cops Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes? One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals".

They named a road after Vladimir Putin in Moscow. Problem is, whenever someone crosses Putin, they have accident.

Moscow, 2024 Two old men meet in Gorki Park. "Have you heard about the war in Ukraine? We're fighting NATO!" "Yes I heard! How is it going?" "Our army lost 300,000 men, and billions worth of material, we lost some land around Kursk, and there are explosions caused drones in the motherland." "And NATO?" "NATO hasn't sent their troops yet."

Putin dies and goes to hell Putin dies and goes to hell. One day the devil allows him a day back on earth. Putin goes to a bar in Moscow. He ask the bartender "Is Crimea ours?" "yes" "Donbass?" "Thats also ours" "Kyiv?" "Ours" Putin is happy and prepares to go back to hell, he asks the barteneder "How much do I owe you?" "5 euros"

When I was in Moscow last week I thought I was stung by a suspicious looking wasp. Turns out it was just a cagey bee.

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with the pope in Rome. The pope listened to all the sins the mafia boss had committed. "I can give you absolution for your sins," the pope said "but let me b…

Moscow, on a bitterly cold winter morning. There is a long line of people waiting in front of a bakery. After an hour, the baker steps outside and shouts "no bread for Jews!", and some people leave. After another hour, the baker steps outside again: "no bread unless you're a Party member!", and some more people leave. After yet another hour, the baker steps outside again: "no bread unless you've been a Party member for 20 years", and most people leave. After another hour has passed, the bake…

Moscow, 1978. Two mothers are bragging about their sons... "My Boria", the first mother says, "is just like young Marx! He's constantly either reading or writing!". "Ha, that's nothing", the second mother says. "My Vovka is just like young Lenin! He's constantly either in prison or in hiding!".