Moscow Jokes

In the 1950's.... The Americans trained spies from birth to enter the Soviet Union and find out information. They had trained one American for 20 years, taught him the culture, the language, food, and their general way of life. By the time the American was 21, they had shipped him off to Moscow. As soon as he got off in Moscow, the Soviets immediately found out that he was an American spy. ""How did you find out?"" The spy asked. A Soviet replies ""Foolish American, there are no black people in …

I eat slowly, so I can't ever live in Moscow. Everyone's Russian there.

Hey you see that Russian car over there? When I was in Moscow I saw a Lada them.

Where do Russians get their milk from? From moscow

European Its geography day in Mr. Andrew's first grade class. Each student has to stand up and answer questions in front of their peers. Mr. Andrews, who has a very thick southern accent, addresses the first student. ""Beth, would you a-stand up and answer this a-question: what's the a-capital of a-Russia?"" ""Moscow"" she replies. Each student answers their questions until the last student to go is Greg. Greg is notorious for having severe stage fright. ""Alright a-Greg: what do ya call a-someo…

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller. Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost. Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty. Putin: Rubles?!? Fortuneteller: No, PLN.

Thousands of Russians in Moscow chant ""Russia without Putin!"" Thousands of Canadians Horrified

What language do fast talkers from Moscow speak? *Rush*ian!

While getting ready to leave on trip, I was trying to get my wife to hurry up. She says ""Why are you rushin'?"" Too which I replied ""Because my grandpa is from Moscow."" Duh..

Heard this one over Christmas, I can only apologise. Back in the pre-glasnost days a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ""I think it's raining"", he said to his wife. ""No, that felt more like snow to me"", she replied. ""No, I'm sure it was just rain"" he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. ""L…

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC. Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks: ""The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."" Carter responds with ""Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"" ""Sure"" ""When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever ma…

Moscow, winter of 1943. Among hundreds of people, Ivan and Sasha wait in line for bread. Finally, after 4 hours the baker comes out and says ""We have orders from the Party to reduce rations so all Jews go home! No bread for you today!"" Queue is thinning as about a hundred or so people leave reluctantly. Wind intensifies, starts snowing, after another 4 hours, baker: ""Some of the flour is compromised so all those who are not Party members go home! Queue halves. Another 4 hours pass, terrible c…

Tanslated East German Jokes A man walks to the dock where he sees a big cargo ship. He shouts: ""Where are you heading?"" The captain answers: ""We are a trading ship loaded with industrial goods and are headed for St.Petersburg to trade with the sowjet union."" The man: ""Oh and with what are you getting back?"" The captain: ""If we are lucky we get back with our ship."" -------- The sowjet Union and the people's republic of China had some border conflict where Moscow threated to use nukes. Aft…

Russian foodie joke A guy sitting in a restaurant in Moscow orders quail. When it arrives, using two spoons he carefully opens and peers into the rear of bird and announces, ""This is not a quail. It is a simple chicken: born in Saint Petersburg, age: 3 years. Please, waiter, bring me a quail!"" Each subsequent delivery of fowl by the waiter is settled by the mysterious diner in the same manner: two spoons, a quick inspection, followed by an indubitable declaration: Kiev, 2 years; Minsk, 4 years…

A fugitive in Russia The room was packed. Military officials, informants, and members of the cabinet surrounded the President, anxiously waiting for the situation's broadcasting to begin. A man walked into the room, his striped suit sleek but worn in that way that seems particular to those with stressful jobs. ""Mr. President, we've got good news, and bad news,"" he announced, steadily yet nervously stepping to his place at the front of the room. ""Walt, you know I, uhhh, value your opinion. You…

One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, ""Khrushchev is a fool!"" He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.

Heard this joke by Reagan today-wanted to share Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. In a car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, ""Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist."" So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and he drove. Meanwhile the police were given strict orders to ticket anyone speeding no matter how important. So they were speeding down Moscow and two mo…

A foreigners understanding of Romney - aka homeless people around the world A homeless man is sitting in London, spreading shit on a piece of bread and the Prime Minister walks by and says: Oh, you are so poor, have some money."" A homeless man is sitting in Moscow, spreading shit on a piece of bread and Medvedev walks by and says: Oh, you are so poor, have some meal tickets."" A homeless man is sitting in Washington, spreading shit on a piece of bread and Romney walks by and says: THINNER, THIN…

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ""I think it's raining,"" he said to his wife. ""No, that felt more like snow to me,"" she replied. ""No, I'm sure it was just rain"" he said. We, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. ""Let's not fight about it,"" the husband said, ""let's ask Comrade Rudolph whe…

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into th…

What to you call a Russian flea ? A Moscow-ito !

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there. Yet he was stopped by a Moscow police officer who said ""Hey you what are you doing?"" ""I have to throw this away"" replied the tourist. ""You can't throw it away here. Look follow me"" the policeman offered. The police officer led him …

Where do Russian cows come from? Moscow!

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics.