WIFE: there's a bear outside our tent ME: so W: so scare him off M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president *bear jumps into fire*#Donald Trump#Animals#Marriage#Politics0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Sunday is Easter, Hitler's birthday, the Columbine anniversary, and weed Christmas. Your move, greeting card section.#Hitlers#Marriage#Holiday#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It's fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[doctor hands wife urn] Ma'am, I'm afraid your husband didn't make it. "Nooo!" she cries. Oh, he's fine. But he didn't make this lovely urn.#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[hears wife approaching while I read son bedtime story] the prince hugged the dragon..[hears wife walk away] ok, basically a retweet is whe#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife made pancakes but they were totally lumpy and it's like, do you even sift bro?#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It's all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband#Twitter#Marriage#Dating#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER ME to spider: I told you, you'll get your money. Leave my family out of this SPIDER: you've got 2days#Marriage#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I'm wondering if I should have married her instead.#Marriage#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we're 40 & kids haven't stopped whining, we'll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can't find us#Empire State Building#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[girl's night out] WIFE: I'm off then ME: Okay WIFE: Don't do anything obtuse ME: Pfft - give me a break! {5 min later} ME *googling obtuse*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A 6'-6" guy doesn't scare me, but my 5'-1" wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe? me measuring the ceiling: no idea.#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle. Wife: How?! M: Just help me. W: Have you tried butter? M: It's delicious. Now will you help me?#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The kidnapper rang and said "10,000 and you get your wife back" "Negotiate with him!" advised the policeman "20,000 and she's all yours"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: Dave's here HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves? ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!#Daves#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.#Costco#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn't even value half of all his assets.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds. Me: That's a cam- Wife: ... Me: Yes. Yes they do.#Cam Wife#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Undertaker: "What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?" Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Being married is a lot like being a DJ... Most nights you just tune out All noise and nod your head...#Dj Most#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp