I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.#First Person#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Apparently "I don't like scary movies," is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I didn't flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she's pudding our kids in the middle :(#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband just went 69 mph in a 50 zone just so he could point at the speedometer and wink at me. 15 years and going strong.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Wife stabs husband with squirrel" was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It makes me sad when people tell me they married their best friend, mostly because marriage between a woman and Vodka will never be legal.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[in car] Wife: Dont tell ur arm story Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe *at party* AND THAT'S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"I should probably start filling this thing out." -I say about my son's baby memory book on his wedding day.#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Melania Trump says her husband is "not Hitler." That's true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.#Hitler#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Bruno Mars on the radio* Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me? Brain: Just say, YES! Me: Has the pin been pulled? Brain: Idiot!#Bruno Mars#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Pizza" "My new boyfriend who? "No. Pizza" "My future husband who?" "No." "Playing hard to get who?"#Marriage#Dating#Food#Knock Knock0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
People keep asking me today "So you have a new boss?" No, I'm still with my wife.#Marriage#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Leans head up to wife as I'm dying* Me: My only regret is... *Coughs loudly* Me: ...not having something cooler to say as I die. *Dies*#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.#Mrs Hyphenated#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.#Marriage#Holiday#Lawyer#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?" Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?" Me: "Buffalo Sabres." Wife: "You're an idiot"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Some of you talk more than my wife. The good news is I can just unfollow you instead of burying you in the back yard to shut you up.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"dont get conned into spendin our lottery money" i wont [calls wife back] will 2 sharks fit in our pool? "NO" ok [to salesman] one shark pls#Animals#Marriage#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I don't understand how anyone can get married until they've met everyone else in the whole world, just to make sure.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her 'Wife'#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband doesn't like it when I say we are "married" with quotation marks.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"honey, I can't wait to do missionary later!" *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!#Marriage#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp