*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out "NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE"#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don't like, I just say "oh yeah, that's where that really cute girl works". Problem solved.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Catch 22: Husband said if I quit Twitter he would pay for a boob job. But if I had huge jugs I would get tons of new followers. Sigh.#Twitter#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution? Wife: Yes. Me: We have hard wood floors. Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard. So now I'm explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife and I always joke around. She'll ask "What were you doing?", then we'll both laugh and then I go make sure I cleared my web history.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.#Nsa#Marriage#Technology#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*phone rings* Wife: Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan* Wife - "....""#Superman#Costume And Duct#Marriage#Technology+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Gonna trade in my wife's menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.#Marriage#Dating0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I'm grounded.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[wife leaving for the weekend] "Baby formula is in the cupbo--" "I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad's funeral."#Marriage#Kids#Parents#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: what's going on? ME: [locking the door] I haven't had an apple in 3 days DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things i asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband: I called my boss "Honey" today. Wife: What? Why? H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.#Marriage#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...#NFL#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed. So I've sent in my wedding album.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind#Animals#Marriage#Aging0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and she hit the windshield! 911: How's her head? Me: Her sister's better.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife "WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?" [Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again...#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.#Netflix#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Professor i'd like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment "lame" on all her wedding pics on facebook#Facebook#Marriage#Teacher0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"i have good news & bad news" wife: bad news 1st "the washing machine broke" wife: and the good news? "the dogs are clean AF"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp