"Have a nice day at the plant!" -wife caterpillar to husband caterpillar in the morning#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Daddy, I-" *presses button for soundproof backseat divider Wife: "HOW MUCH DID-" *presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Someday I'd love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.#Louis Vuitton#Bmw#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It's my ninth anniversary on Twitter. I could not have done it without my ex-wife and my kids whose names I no longer remember.#Twitter#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: Why don't we run through the parking lot? me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it's dangerous#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.#Father Son#Marriage#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don't believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Are you even listening to me? Me: Of course W: Oh yeah, what did I say? M: [smoke bomb] W: I can still see you M: [Another smoke bomb]#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Signs that your wife is cheating on you: 1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual 2. Acting distant 3. Sleeping with another dude#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Marriage tips 1. Separate bank accounts 2. Separate bedrooms 3. Separate homes 4. Separate dates w/other ppl 5. 6. Don't get married#Marriage#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don't get her a bathroom scale. Nope.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: how was the doctor? Me: bad I'm dying Wife: I know, how was the doctor?#Marriage#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
All I said is that I didn't know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now. Starting to get suspicious... What kind of monster still has a VCR?#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.#Mia#Marriage#Military#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If my wife googles images of breastfeeding its perfectly okay. But when I do it, and substitute 'big and wet' for 'feeding', she gets angry.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading "blink if you're being held against your will"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
if you have a cash bar at your wedding you should be embarrassed enough to never show your face in public again#Marriage#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Jeb Bush: "The Pope should not discuss climate change because he's not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife's gynecologist"#Marriage#Science0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.#Marriage#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Hey! I don't remember all those CGI space-dudes at the reception!"--George Lucas's wife re-watching their old wedding vids.#Lucass#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I wish people's voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp