Wife: why are you smiling? [realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple] Me: I was thinking about you.#Clifford#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we're discussing why I'm such a idiot.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"I hate this quilt." - my wife, a person capable of hating a quilt#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?#Walmart#Marriage#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I'm home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. Let's pray for her.#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Currently helping my wife looking for her favourite vase that I threw out six months ago.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.#Wife And I#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, "isn't my undying love & affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store#Love And Affection#Marriage#Holiday0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[day after trying sushi for the first time] ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table* WIFE: this isn't cooke- ME: it's sushi, susan#Susan#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The main reason I got married is that I really hate driving..#Marriage#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I always read my wife's Horoscope to see what kind of day I'M going to have.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids." "But...don't you already have 2?" "Yeah."#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
An unsung legacy of Bill Clinton's presidency is that since he left office, no sitting President has shot a load on a non-spouse.#Bill Clintons#Marriage#Work#Politics0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of "Mommy!" 5 minutes of "Mommy?" Said "Daddy?" one time & my wife said, "You should go check on her".#Time And My#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[cops showing wife my body] "Why is he 50m from where he got shot?" "Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.#Marriage#Technology#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[narrating people dancing at a wedding] These humans are using their legs for the first time today#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren't allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.#Marriage#Politics#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp