you are so beautiful without makeup. -my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."#Marriage#Money#Lawyer#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
So I told my husband that I have a TC and he said, "that's really cute. See if he wants to fund your shoe addiction"#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It irks me when my wife doesn't fold my shirts the way I like. It irks her when I do a bunch of drugs & destroy our family. Potato Po-tah-to#Drugs And Destroy#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Me]: *slams fork & knife down on table* Not cool, babe. [Wife]: You didn't honestly think there'd be weed in your pot pie, did you?#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!#Marriage#Work#Doctor#Lawyer0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I've only got a few more weeks to convince my wife that our baby's middle name should be Underscore.#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner. Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally? *Todd exits out the back door with our television*#Todd#Uncle Todd#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.#Marriage#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Marriage Counseling] Wife: He's always messing up even the simplest phrases. Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download...#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M's for dinner. I was like, "You saw the banana, right?"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Where are you going? Me: I'm wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I'm off to fight crime#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: "I'm tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I'm leaving you." Me: "You'll be back."#Arnold Schwarzenegger#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I like how this car asks me if it's safe to move in reverse. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???#Marriage#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant#Marriage#Lawyer0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today. Wife: We don't talk. Plus he is so literal. Me: My truck.#Marriage#Driving#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*wife puts down dinner plate* *single pea rolls off plate* Me: oh no we have an esca-pea Wife: Me: I don't care I think it's still funny#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp