FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas#Daves#Dave Im#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband: "Lost my keys again." Wife: "It's in your Jeans." Husband: "Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband: So we've basically given up. Me: On what? H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Mommy, what's a butterfly?" "When a girl loves many boys in a short time during college, she gets a tattoo reminder for her future husband"#Marriage#School#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: You know what cures a headache right? Wife: Tylenol Me: You know what else cures a headache? Wife: Advil Me: You know what else ......#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you've never been married and you love spending time with him?#Marriage#Lawyer0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband: [sends text] We need to break up. Wife: [sends text] WTF! Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Exorcism] Priest: What is your name? Demon: Jim Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim? Demon: Nice legs Carol Wife: Let's keep him. Next...#Jim Wife Jim#Carol Wife#Marriage#Religion0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I hate when I can't remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I'm like a minesweeper in the mornings.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife said, compared to a lot of girls out here, that I'm lucky to have her. I said "Yeah? Maybe, but I'll do my own research thank you".#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts...#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds...#Marriage#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Twitter got hacked by some idiot in the projects. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, hide ya husband too, 'cause they hackin' everybody out here."#Twitter#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I've spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife's shirt to actually stay on this hanger#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Online guy: wanna chat I'm 9 inches Me: i'm 58 you would barely reach the middle of my shin how could we hold hands on our wedding day#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You're not married in heaven. Me: Why not? Wife: Then we'd be in hell.#Marriage#Religion#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: [bursts into wife's meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED! Wife: Dave, I'm at wo- Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7#Animals#Marriage#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. ...And that's why I'm not getting laid tonight.#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you're completely done. Like, extra divorced.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? "No" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*#Abraham Lincoln#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp