Marriage Jokes

WIFE: I got us this new candle ME: sweet. What flavor is it? W: don't you mean 'what scent is it?' ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

My client's (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I'm obviously doing my job right.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry? HIM: Maui ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

"Sit" dog sits "Down" dog lays down on floor "Play Dead" dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!' Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.' Me: *mumbles 'No shit.' W: 'What was that??'

Me: I'll take 'Marriage' for 800 Alex Alex: Having one wife too many Me: What is bigamy Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

Wife:How'd you sleep? Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo W: Ambien:*giggles

My wife has the cutest crow's feet. And the strongest little crow beak. My wife is a crow. Her name is Leah.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You're getting laid wife asks you to get wine: You're getting yelled at

My spouse just said I'm such a cheap date that he knew he'd actually save money by marrying me. I'm apparently the Geico of women.

So important your wife knows you're petting the dog when she hears you say "you're getting a little chunky"

[walking away from taco truck] WIFE: whats wrong ME: nothing WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco ME: *wiping away tears* no

My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

son: I don't think he likes me wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

[2021] One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal. HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

Wife: Go out for breakfast? Me: Sure! Wife: Ok, let me shower first. *showers, dresses & puts on makeup* Me: Where should we have lunch?

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

While my husband is gone I was cleaning...the Nutella jar. He will be impressed at how I gained 10lbs in 4hrs.

"I bumped into your wife yesterday" "Oh, where?" "You know the cafe opposite the S&M club?" "Yes" "Opposite that cafe"

I don't need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

[at restaurant]] 8yo: why does mom eat half of your food? Me: because.. Wife *evil glare* Me *terrified* because I don't want it.

Me: "This new flavour of Pringles is horrible." Wife: "You're eating a tube of tennis balls."

My wife does a HILARIOUS John Goodman impression. Doesn't hurt that she looks exactly like him.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.