Filing taxes is so depressing. Do you own a home? No. Have a spouse? Not even close. Kids? Not that I know of. Enjoy your refund, loser#Marriage#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he speaks in typos ME: EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA! THERAPIST: ok maybe we should take 5 ME: food idea#Brenda#Marriage#Food#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My son likes to kick things. He really needs a dog or a wife.#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When a husband asks you if you think it's possible to love someone forever... "If I find the right person" is apparently the wrong answer.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today. Wife - OK? M - One of them is lying. W - You can't ever shut it off can you?#First Baptist Church#Marriage#Religion0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[anniversary dinner] HER: tell me something that will make my heart race ME: my credit card got declined#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?#Hour And They#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband asks too many questions. "Who is Steve?" "Why does he call all the time?" "What's this bill for a hotel room?"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
21st century divorce: I want it stipulated that he can't change the Netflix password.#Netflix#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I wrote "Clarence sale" instead of "clearance sale" and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.#Clarence#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote? ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is "married."nLike that's gonna stop me!#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.#Marriage#Dating#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry. Neither of us has slept in 16 years.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]#Animals#Marriage#Technology#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
32. Never married. No children. nnI'm the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early. It was a picture of her at the airport.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Note to self: When the wife asks "Do you like my new hair", don't reply with "It'll grow back, right?"#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I love picking out my wife's panties except this isn't my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from? Me: Jake, at State Farm.#Jake#State Farm#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Oh no sir, that shark wasn't attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp