Marriage Jokes

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren't a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi. Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

Wife: Where'd you buy my gift? Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right? Me: Coupon? *wife faints*

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.

The main reason I got divorced is because I got married.

ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net 911: where M: between 2 trees in our yard 911:a hammock? M: idk what his name is just send help

If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I'll leave you ME: but I'm a slave 4 u WIFE: that's it ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

I hate "save the date" engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out "hey forget about that one date 6 months ago" cards

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says 'you're a joke' you can say 'the joke's on you' and disarm the situation.

Wife: Valentine's day is right around the corner. Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Nothing says " My divorce didn't go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars

[interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

I'm lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You'll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.

Wife: It's date night! Me: So, a movie, and... You still have that school uniform? W: Yes. *winks* M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

if i could rearrange the alphabet i'd put "u" at the beginning and "i" at the end. i want a divorce karen

[puts hand on wife's stomach as baby kicks] Come out here & try that.

Am I a better husband or father? Well let's just say I never fantasize about being with other kids.

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you? [flashback to me ignoring the "one per customer" sign] me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"

My wife and I are working on our marriage. She's more attentive to my needs and I've mostly stopped telling other women I'm a single father.

6: Daddy the floor is lava! Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

I don't mind meeting her parents. It's her husband I have always been avoiding.

My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."

I want to get stoned like I cheated on my Iranian husband.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.