Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!

My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?

if you have a cash bar at your wedding you should be embarrassed enough to never show your face in public again

My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk, but I'll show her!