if you have a cash bar at your wedding you should be embarrassed enough to never show your face in public again

If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.

My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk, but I'll show her!

Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!