Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!

If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.

My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk, but I'll show her!

Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!