Marriage Jokes

[Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. "dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"

I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I've been told. Twice now.

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn't talk to her.

Wife: Did you measure for carpet? Me: Yeah, from the window Wife: Don't Me: To the wall Wife: Don't Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs! *runs*

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. 'Me time'.

Me: I haven't tweeted in days. Wife: Oh no! Hold on... *opens laptop *types Wife: Phew! Me: What? Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

wife: "just break it to him gently" me: "ok ill try" [tucking son in bed] me: [opening story book] "once upon a time your grandma's dead"

(car dealer) is the passenger seat also heated? "Aww for ur wife?" *imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru* yes

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn't know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

[at a fancy restuarant] WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip ME: ok [writing on bill] "only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg"

Wife just looked at an 8"x8" picture and estimated it to be 12"x12". Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.

[at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

[Friday Night] WIFE: Have fun at poker ME {stopping at door}: What did you say? W: Have fun ME: After that W: Uh...at poker- ME: IT'S POKEMON

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only "disappointed" in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. She never says anything, but I know it hurts that she gets less gifts because of how close Christmas is.

I'm white and my wife is black. I'm trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that's how they are made

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

9: Whatcha watching? Me: Tiny Houses. 9: Wow it's tiny! Who's gonna live there? Me: Two people. 9: Are they married? Me: Not for long.

wife: how is it outside? me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy's trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

Me: I don't think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids. Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.

I've used my wife's conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I'm a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.