I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn't think.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"That's you" is one of my favorite games to play with my husband when we see disgusting people.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: I didn't get the job. Wife: Why not? M: Something about my eyesight. W: What EXACTLY did they say? M: That I needed 'adult supervision'.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he's dead he's a great Wife: I swear to God I'll divorce you Me: *through tears* Decomposer.#Mozart#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.#Marriage#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The best part of being married with kids is.....is.....umm.....Yeah.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don't need to hear how you got together.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Need relationship advice! I'm trying to get my wife into role playing but she gets really upset when I suggest she be played by Emma Stone.#Emma Stone#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Baby trying to say first words] Baby: b..bu Me: cmon son Baby: bu..bu..s Wife: Yes sweetheart Baby: Bush did 9/11 Me[tearing up]: He knows#Marriage#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
GF: "you're so childish" me: "it's my day too linda" [we sit in silence] wedding planner: "so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk, but I'll show her!#Marriage#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that's one of his fantasies: That we have health care.#Marriage#Holiday#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Made a Freudian slip, with my ex-wife. I meant to say: "Hello" but actually said: "You silly cow, you've ruined my life."#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Passwords: Outlook- work1234 Aol- kidsnames home alarm- anniversary Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious#Aol#Twitter#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My fathers wife bought a "Christian cookbook" I didn't even know they had different recipes, I've been eating sin all along.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.#Marriage#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy? Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha! *And then I regained consciousness#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn't find out#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[assembling baby's cot] Wife: take that bit off Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then#Marriage#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day#Valentines#Marriage#Holiday0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti? ME:Better. WIFE:Better? ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp