Wife: "How did your first day as a lifeguard go?" Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid. Now every.spider.must.die.#Marriage#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear. Also sorry for the shoddy manscaping.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
9: Why are you hitting that spider? wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law [leaving] I don't have to take this#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*tip toes out front door* *wife texts me from China* "Where you going?"#China#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife and I got into an argument. And now I'm gonna do these dishes so hard.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Like on Amazon or in our house? [My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My buddy's phone autocorrected "wife" to "wide" and now he's living in my garage.#Buddys#Marriage#Technology#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
You have no idea how hard it is to find a greeting card for your wife that says, "I don't remember where I left the baby."#Marriage#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Chameleon wife: "Does my bum look big in this dress?" Chameleon husband: "What dress? Where are you?"#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone.#Marriage#Technology#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.#Pablo#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[soldier dying in my arms] "You take this & you give it to my wife." "No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me."#Marriage#Military0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"dad, what does extravagant mean?" idk son. why don't you ... [i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace] ask your mother#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster#Marriage#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.#Street Step#Marriage#Lawyer#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife made fun of my (admittedly) ugly balls again. I shall now drop the charade that I am a "feminist."#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I hate when my wife says "GO WAIT IN THE CAR" because I'm not sure if she's talking to me or the kids.#Marriage#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Police: We'd like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband's disappearance. Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?#Mrs Potato Head#Marriage#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Watches sad movie* Wife: I like happy endings. Me: me too, but you have to tip more. Wife:... Me: twitter would have liked it.#Twitter#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp