Marriage Jokes

"You killed a dude I hate your attitude That's why you're going to jail, Without bail 25 to life Bubba is your new wife." -Poetic Justice

The English language lacks a word to mean "To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them".

My husband got a new router and the wifi has been off for 5 whole minutes guess I'll go churn butter or something.

Wife: How's the baby? Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours? Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos? Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

*Husband using Ouija board after I've died* Please answer me *arrow moves* "It's on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!"

Him: I hope you die a slow painful death Me: oh, no I'm not married

While making small talk with my wife's doctor I asked him what he does for a living because I am amazing at human interaction.

My wife's hot best friend just sent me an email with the subject line: "Date Night." I'm just going to stop there and imagine the rest.

WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

I don't want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don't fit us anymore.

Sure, I'd get married. But follow him on Twitter? I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving her around today. She laughed and laughed. Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

I hope I look half as good on my wedding day as I do on my divorce paper-signing day.

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous! me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Wife: What ARE you doing? Me: [pelvic thrusting around the kitchen] Gettin jiggy wit it what's it look like? W: Making the dog nervous.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever. I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn't finished it.

I texted my wife with "ROTFHAHA" & she replied with "LMAO" so I don't think she understands that I'm having a heart attack.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

My wife says "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you" when 1. she's not talking, she's yelling, and 2. I'm not walking away, I'm retreating

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him. And now someone's texting him.

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?

[after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy