Marriage Jokes

I'm at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation. The kids aren't to keen, but my wife and I just don't want them anymore.

I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.

I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, "Proud parent of your wife's kid."

"Waiter, I'd like to send this back" -m'am, I believe that's your husband.

Just used my phone to record my wife snoring. She'd kill me if I ever played this in front of her friends. So... I guess this is goodbye.

Me: Why do you love me? Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying? Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

If I ever get married, I'm not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

You know that guy who looks like that other guy in that show we used to like? He died. - how my wife and I communicate

[Being kidnapped] Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome kidnapper: its been 10 minutes me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I'm left wondering just how much he's actually been listening.

MY WIFE: [donating blood] ME: That's from both of us

Isn't it fun how many different shapes pasta can be? My wife left me last night.

Him: "Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?" Me: "no." Him: "well, what kind of chips would you prefer?"

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I'm heartbroken

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn't fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

[holding an acorn] "do you still love me?" Wife yells outside- "that's not even the same squirrel as yesterday!" "Shaddup you!"

-911 Whats the emergency? My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir? Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

Haven't heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs? ME: Even better. I bought a goat. W: How is that better? M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there's someone for every un.

My wife's so square in bed she has cubic hair

Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

Me: Wow, 5k followers Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said? Me: Ya Wife: Then aren't they really MY followers? Me: *drinks heavily

My wife yelled, "This is the LAST TIME I'm going to tell you to take out the trash", and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.